A Slob By Any Other Name

“You’re a slob!”

“Why do you always criticize me dad?”

He picked up a shirt that I had thrown on the floor and a pair of sweaty running socks and threw them onto the sheet-less mattress.

“You throw your crap all over the place. You never make your bed. Look” he said, pointing at the foot of the bed, “your sheets have come off the mattress and you couldn’t care less.”

I shrugged my shoulders. “So what! It’s my room. I should be able to do with my room as I please!”

“But, it’s my house and I expect you to take proper care of my property.”

I saw my dad’s next target. Before he could mention the running shoes, I nudged them under the bed, using my left foot as a tool.

“You’re twenty-five years old and you have no respect for my property.” 

“Dad, don’t go off the edge. It won’t take me but a few minutes for me to straighten my room.”

He stared at me. I could tell he was upset. No, make that angry. That wasn’t too uncommon.  I was used to seeing him react like this because of my slothful ways. There were few things that angered my father. He could handle a driver cutting him off in traffic or an inept cashier at the local McDonald’s.  He did not become upset when the newspaper delivery person skipped our house on occasion. But, as soon as the first sock hit my floor, he became apoplectic.

“A few minutes, my ass! Once you pick up all the crap on the floor and on the furniture, you will find foreign substances that need to be removed.”

“Foreign substances? What are you talking about?”

“Dirt,” he yelled, “and dust!”

My mother usually vacuumed and dusted the furniture. However, nearly four weeks earlier, she and dad informed me that she would no longer be responsible for those chores that, in dad’s words, “a twenty-five year old should do.”  I had not yet done either.

“I’ll vacuum and I’ll dust if that will make you happy!”

“Don’t get smart with me! If you don’t want to do your part around this house, then I suggest you move out.”

Wow. He was really angry now. I didn’t want to move out of my parents’ home.  Sure, I graduated from the University of Alabama Birmingham with a Bachelor of Arts degree and a major in English. And, even though I make $750 a week, my monthly wages would quickly be depleted if I had to rent an apartment. Besides, how would I be able to afford those things that bring me comfort, such as my iPod and iPhone?  How could I regularly upgrade my computer? Let’s face it, personal computers are much like automobiles. Once you take them from the store, they begin to depreciate and lose value. Within twelve months, if not sooner, a newer, faster and better computer is on the market. A young person who depends so heavily on computing devices wouldn’t think of using the same desktop or laptop for more than a year, eighteen months top.  Speaking of laptops, I’ve had my current one for eleven months and now have my eye on the newest Mac model.

I need my money for things other than silly rent. I might live with my parents for 5 – 6 more years. Of course, I have not yet told them of my probable plans. But, that shouldn’t surprise them at all. The McKinney’s, our next door neighbor, have been landlords for two adult children, the oldest of whom is thirty-five years old. Hah! I still have at least ten more years to go!

My grandmother often chides me about being single.

“You’re getting old, Lawrence. Why don’t you find a girl and marry her? Your grandfather and I were nineteen when we married. You shouldn’t wait much longer, especially if you want children.”

Children were the least of my concerns. I can’t imagine little ones crawling all around getting into my personal items. Can you imagine the damage a toddler can do to an iPhone? Or a laptop?  I would be horrified if I were to find milk or pee on my keyboard!

“Grandma, I’m not that old! Many of my friends aren’t married. Besides, I can’t afford a wife and family yet.”

“You can’t afford a wife because you spend too much of your money on all that crap you buy.”

Wow, for my grandmother to counter with such language meant she was angry. For all my life I had been her pet and I don’t remember her even being upset with me.

“You’re too damned spoiled,” she continued. “And sometimes I think you care about no one but yourself.”

Yikes, that hurt coming from her.

“Grandma, my personal electronic devices are important to me. In today’s world, that’s how people connect. We text, we twitter and we email throughout the day.”

“Why the heck don’t you pick up the phone and call some of your friends instead of tweeting, twixting or whatever the hell you call it.”

I could see I wasn’t going to change her mind nor was I going to convince her of the demands and needs of a modern man to stay connected with friends and networks. I tried to change the subject.

“Grandma, are you staying for dinner?”

“Don’t think you can change the subject like that. And another thing, if you want to eventually marry you ought to start looking for a better job!”

This just wasn’t my day. First my dad nagged me and then his mother jumped all over me. They worked in precision like a WWF tag team. My dad threw me against the ropes and grandma pounded me with a folding chair. Soon mom would enter the ring and pin me to the floor. I was losing this match.

Now that my livid family had left the room I decided to try to see my room and myself as they saw me. Whenever I looked in the mirror I saw an average man.  I didn’t consider myself handsome, ugly or homely. Just like my friend Justin was just Justin, I was just me, Larry Langley. I stood five foot ten. My hair was brown and quite thick and my eyes complemented my hair. I didn’t wear designer clothes or shoes. In fact, I’m not sure I would know where to look for them. I either rely upon my mother to buy my clothes, which she had done with much certitude for most of my twenty-five years, or I simply buy jeans, shorts and shirts from Wal-Mart. I wear clothes not to be stylish but to avoid prison.

My room doesn’t look as bad to me as it obviously looks to my parents and my grandmother. The three working computers don’t take up that much space. Neither do the spare hard drives, fans and other parts that I keep in my room to repair not just my computers but those of friends and family members. Hah! They don’t complain about my room when I fix their computers!

So, a few hand tools are on the carpet. Big deal. It’s not like the screwdriver is stuck into the carpet. And the five empty plastic water bottles that lay around aren’t much of an issue. I can pick them up anytime, can’t I? I have over two hundred DVDs and I have only one room in this large house. Where else can I store them other than on top of my chest of drawers, in my bookcase, on top of my dresser and even on the floor. I know the ones on the floor have been there for about two months, maybe five. But, I’m culling them to see which ones I want to get rid of. Mom said I haven’t culled any in at least a month but how would she know? Oh, I see they are covered with a thick layer of dust. That might be a clue. Perhaps if I dust once in a while, she might think otherwise.  

Dad keeps complaining about the pile of paper that has accumulated on my desk, file cabinet and dresser. He wants to know when I intend to throw most of it away. Dad! That’s my mail. I can’t just throw it away without going through it, can I? You say it’s been there for how many months? Gosh, I guess I should begin to see what’s in these stacks of mail. I wonder if my cell phone bill got mixed up with this stuff. I received a notice that my bill has not been paid. I called the company and told them that I didn’t receive a bill. But who knows, maybe it’s here somewhere in one of these stacks.

I never was much of a basketball player. The school coach told me I wasn’t quite tall enough. I didn’t believe him.  Frankly, I don’t think my shooting and ball handling skills impressed him. But, I’ve been practicing! That’s why, in addition to the empty water bottles, there are dirty clothes on the floor. I’m trying to improve my skills! I currently make about 30% of my shots and, I’m proud to say that’s up from 23% last month. Dad once asked me why I didn’t attempt any slam dunks instead of three point shots. He also asked if I’ve ever attempted an offensive rebound. I tried to explain that just about anyone can slam dunk if the basket is only four feet off the floor. What fun would that be? But, to tell the truth, I didn’t have a good answer for not attempting any rebounds. I could only assure him that eventually I would place the dirty clothes into the basket.

I have been thinking of getting my own apartment. I wouldn’t have to listen to my parents’ constant nagging and I could live as I want, not that I’m not doing pretty much that now. But, the most reasonably priced one bedroom costs nearly $1000 per month! My take home pay is only $2500 or so. That would leave me so little to enjoy the things in life that bring me joy. I only pay my parents $200 per month. Mom says that doesn’t nearly cover room and board. She claims that if she included her services, which she compares to those of a maid, then I should be paying over $1200 per month. Yeah, right!

I don’t believe for one minute that she works that hard on my behalf. Like I said, I only have one room in this large house.

Now that I’ve tried to look at my room as they do, I honestly can’t see what they complain about. I think I keep my room pretty neat.

   

© W. J. Charles July 2015